Blunt

You know what the real trouble with happiness is? Knowing you should always smile and make the other person feel better. I feel like I can never win. I'm too this and not too that. I'm wild, yet, I over think too much. Well fuck it. Honestly, this shit makes me want to move to the middle of nowhere and not talk to anyone. I'm so tired I've never being able to figure it out. I always look for the best in things, people, situations etc...and it's exhausting. Whenever the situation turns and someone else is responsible for providing the reassurance for those things, I feel like I'm naked, standing alone waiting for it...and it never happens. So i anxiously smile, say something light hearted to fill the void and keep the situation moving. I really do believe you have the life that you want to. So how do I stop having the ever positive, care how everyone is feeling, fix every typo in this goddamn post, life that I picture in my mind?

I don't know exactly what I did, but I know it was good. It's going somewhere...

I'm back?

I've been thinking a lot about this blog, which isn't apparent because I haven't written in it in awhile. I contemplated turning it into a forum for all my ridiculous happenings, but I'm still uncertain those should ever be in a public place haha

This weekend brought up the idea of happiness again to me. I had an incredibly bad end of the week, and through kicking and fighting, I was able to be as chipper as possible though it. However, add in a rave, four loko, jack daniels and stupid boy drama, and all of a sudden that chipper face seems too far out of reach.

I actually couldn't tell you the last time I had sober tears. I know that is kind of weird. Crying really isn't my thing. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know how to handle it.

But there I was on my stoop watery eyes and all, and I just knew the overlying reason why I was so upset was that I was just done putting on a happy face.

I found this quotation from another blog, "The trouble with happiness, is that it’s not there to be lived in. It’s there to be anticipated, tasted, savoured, and relished. What’s wrong with living in a state of gentle contentment, punctuated by short, sweet bursts of happiness and the occasional tang of sadness?"

I think I too often feel responsible for the general merriment of the group I am in, or obligated to make things better because I know I can. I had a bad week. Super bad. The kind that people laugh at. The kind that I always think I need to find the good in or do a million things to make me happy.

Is that really the best approach?

The Trouble With Happiness is...

...when you are unhappy, you know it isn't going to make you feel any better sitting there and being unhappy. Instead, you try every way possible to stay positive...and some times it just gets exhausting.

Feelings?!

Last night I had drinks with a very wise friend. I was telling her about my blog post about anger and we were discussing how different feelings affect you.

She made the astute observation that the worst feelings to have are guilt and embarrassment. It stinks to be angry and frustrated at someone, but those feelings usually stem from something they/you both did; guilt and embarrassment are your own to bear.

So how does that relate to happiness? I think it all goes back to that magical mantra, "think before you speak/do." We all know how it feels after we lie and we know how it feels like to think back to "THAT" moment where we would do anything to go back in time and change our embarrassing behavior.

It seems obvious to say, but I think people would be a whole lot happier if they removed some of those guilt/embarrassment situations from their lives. What does that mean? Maybe skip out on that "white lie" you make when you cancel plans on a friend when you know it will hurt his/her feelings. Maybe take that ex's number out of your phone (or maybe his/her friends?) on a night when you are going to get a little too drunk and say something you shouldn't. Anticipating these bad after tastes can help you make better decisions and improve your overall happiness.

What else does that mean for happiness? I think it means when someone lies to you/does something embarrassing in your presence, it IS his/her load to bear. I think people (especially women) often get caught up in empathy and end up "feeling bad" when they are not the ones at all responsible. Yes, it is good to pull your drunk friend away from an ex when you see him/her about to make bad choices, but if he/she goes against you and makes those choices-that is all your friend, not you.

Conclusion, anger and frustration suck but are usually a two way feelings street. Cutting out opportunities to make yourself feel less guilt and embarrassment will lead to an overall happier you.

Couldn't have written something more true...

Everything I have ever wanted to say about the person I strive to be is in this article:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-good-for-someone-else-be-the-positivity-you-want-to-feel/

And now people will know why I often say, "I appreciate you."

Efficiency, I like it.

Time to put on the nerd hat...

Every since I took my first econ class my freshmen year of college, I feel in love with the concept of efficiency. Opportunity costs, marginal benefits/costs, production frontiers, competitive advantages, etc...it felt like I was finally given terms for the logical practices that always felt right.

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm romanticizing logic, but it has always been a mental comfort for me and a contributor to my happiness.

Example:

Recently a close friend of mine flat out pissed me off. This person really let me down. Anger, confusion, betrayal and all those feelings surrounded my thoughts. However, using the ideas previously stated, those thoughts are completely inefficient. Being mad is not going to make me happy. Going though the the "whys" in my head isn't going to make the situation better. I was making myself more unhappy after my friend already made me unhappy.

I didn't do anything wrong, this person acted badly towards me, so why feel bad about it? This wasn't a situation where confrontation would make it better. It was one of those, "can't go back in time and change things" situations and it showed me a lot about this person's personality. I realized I was in a great point in my life (I just finished my first half marathon, summer was starting) so why allow let someone who wronged me to affect my happiness?

So I stopped my inefficient thinking about it. I realized this person was not dependable and would not be someone I would allow "in" any more. This person no longer was a factor in my happiness.

I realize this is not a way of thinking that will work for everyone. This person will never know that his/her actions bothered me and that it changed my thinking of him/her. I was happy though. I was able to enjoy my achievement of the completion of my race and the beautiful weather outside.

Basically, I listened to all of the positives and my efficient ways of thinking, and I was happy.